As many of you know, I am a mother to a beautiful little girl named Skylar. She’s the moon, the stars and the epitome of what my universe is: I live for her existence.
As a child, I always knew that I would have a kid and although she wasn’t planned; my life changed. I was always extremely wise for someone so young and with motherhood: my wisdom kicked into overdrive.
A lot of the friends I had, I abandoned or abandoned me, I fought and worked harder to moved into a nicer neighborhood, I started looking into various forms of insurance policies to ensure her safety if anything ever happened to me and I made sure to change my wild ways.
I couldn’t risk, that as an African American woman in America having a baby at twenty, anything could go wrong. My pregnancy was hell! I fought on a daily basis with the father of my daughter, I couldn’t decide what would be the best option for her, and I didn’t know if I had it in me to succeed in a role that I was sure would undeniably change me from the inside out. I was in and out of the hospital, I was working in twelve hour intervals and still maintaining a 4.0 GPA in college. I was packing and moving, trying to ensure that my health was bettering considering I had a medical condition called Preeclampsia and with everything on the verge of crashing and burning after all of the work I had put in: I was on the verge of a mental and emotional breakdown.
The father of my child didn’t make that any better. Instead, he emotionally and psychologically broke me down. For the sake of “love”, I thought staying with him because of our daughter was the right thing to do because he ensured me, the physical abuse would stop; that he would get help and we would make our family better and I believed him. Even though deep down, I knew he wouldn’t change because I knew a baby didn’t make things better; they only made them worse and that’s exactly what happened.
Eventually, I found someone I thought could be apart of our lives. On the outside, he was everything he needed to be for me to even consider him; he was the definition of what it meant to “level up”, on the outside at least. He had his stuff together and seemed to truly want to be apart of our family dynamic that I had rebuilt after leaving the father of my child.
I don’t think I could have been anymore wrong. Yes, I will not sit here and say that he wasn’t incredible but just like me, he came with emotional baggage that he hadn’t taken the time to figure out. He seemed like a lot more work than any of the previous guys I had spoken with before. We decided that if we were going to work then we would and if not then there would be no hard feelings.
I say all of this to say that although I am a single mother doesn’t mean it makes me incapable of raising a productive member of the society I hope to see in the future. Society has labeled us as bitter baby mamas who try to destroy our “baby daddies” because he has broken us and that is true. We do try to attempt to get back at him but not in the way that the minority of “baby mamas” do. We get back by playing the roles of both parents. We get back at these “men” who hold this disgusting notion of what it means to be a single mother by showing them that millions have done it before us and trillions will do it after us. We contribute to society tenfold than should be the standard because we are made not to break but to succeed. We provide without bickering, we love without conditions and we stretch beyond limits.
We ARE the mothers of millionaires, we are the mothers of doctors, lawyers, superstars and scholars in history and across the world, yet we are depicted as strung out junkies and ghetto uneducated hoodlums having baby after baby without aspirations. We are shunned for having babies outside of wedlock and made to feel as though we are incapable of being loved. We rise above all of the drama and hate that surrounds what it takes to raise another human being correctly.
Because I have a child and I am not with the father of that child, I am assumed to be “easy” to sleep with; I am “tainted” because I believed that I would have someone in my life forever and I am not readily available to get up and leave on a whim. I am bashed because I had sex with a man that I “should have known” wasn’t any good and I am criticized on my methods of parenting by people who don’t know me or my morals. I am judged by men who vainly attempt to play a role in my life and disrespected when I won’t submit.
And while any of those assumptions may have been correct, it shouldn’t matter. Why? I am an incredible woman. I am smart and beautiful and my child is well taken care of REGARDLESS of the role that her biological father plays in her life. It’s seems as if society has forgotten that even when a man walks out, that mother doesn’t get to walk out as well. She has to find and make a way even when there are no options. She has to be a superhero to her child because the world won’t be there to soften the fall; even when the father should be. A mother has to be everything and more for her child and while that’s exactly what she signed up for that doesn’t mean she signed up to do it alone.
In the dating world, the first question you are asked is “What’s up with your baby daddy?” As if that’s of any relevance to the foundation that man and I will be building IF we end up together. The status of my “baby daddy” isn’t my business because I am single which means I am romantically responsible for no one, including him. You are asked about the relationship of your child’s father or why you two aren’t together as if that should be important. There are guys out there that believe a woman can never move on from the male that impregnated her because she has a constant remainder of him and he will always find his way back to her. That notion in itself is absurd; if that were the case, they would be together regardless of what went wrong or right. Men see this as a pass to mistreat you because they have the ability to place all of the blame on you if things don’t work out.
What I mean by that is this; many guys believe that if they date a single mother when things go wrong they can throw out that phrase, “That’s why your baby daddy left, right?” and as women we become hurt because of the damage that truly does. We start to believe that something is actually wrong with us and we try to understand what’s the issues deep within us that makes men react this way when we are giving our all. The truth is that guy never actually cared because had he, he wouldn’t have that mentality. Your baby daddy leaving or you leaving your baby daddy is a conscious decision made and if by you then on behalf of both you and your child. And that man has no right to speak on it because he wasn’t there and he doesn’t know the intimate details of the situation surrounding your relationship status.
As a single mother you have a certain level of wisdom and men tend to find that intimidating. Correction, BOYS find that intimidating. You are always thinking of your child and how each one of your decisions affects that child so you are not always as willing to go through the drama, the arguing or the disrespectful antics and that’s when you become a “lonely bitch”, “bitter hoe”, “no baby daddy having cunt” or a “uppitty thot”. There’s no level of amazement I believe I can receive from the new millennials who seem to be “woke”. These same millennial are the same ones who believe that dating a single mother is equivalent to having an incurable disease.
My response to that notion is: “You’re ignorant and you don’t deserve a phenomenal woman”. This is my response because as a single mother the odds are stacked against you three times as high. You are almost always expected to fail, you don’t receive help and if you do, it comes with the sideways glances and the head shaking coupled with the “advice” that no one wants to hear. You have to work ten times as hard for relationship love, for money, for grades and just about everything else you can imagine only to receive half; all while you stand tall with your head held high because you’re raising royalty.
So this is my message to mothers out there who may be reading this:
If you’re expecting alone: you won’t be alone for long. Before you know it, your little one will be here and that’s a love you can’t even begin to imagine unless you have had it.
If you’ve already been blessed with your child, remember that no one could have done the things you’ve done for your child and no one would want to. Your reward is the unconditional love, even if you never get that pat on the back. You’re extraordinary and no one can ever replace you.
If you’re lucky to still be with your parent, remember that judgement isn’t healthy for the soul. One serious dispute can turn you from taken to single in the same predicament.
But more so than that, you don’t have to feel bad if the right one doesn’t come as soon as you would like because you already have everything that you need. Don’t be with someone who makes you feel inadequate because you’re more than enough for the right person. Your child comes first and you made the right choice!